Crazy Lessons in L♥VE

Hey everyone... I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and it's crazy because I haven't blogged about love any where in a long time... going on about 6 to 7 months to be specific and of course I have never blogged about love on here before so it's definitely a first for you guys. To get straight to the point, I have had sooo much shit on my mind lately about love and relationships and can shit that hasn't worked in the past actually work after a person says they have "changed". I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying that the other person is totally to blame and that I haven't done things that I am not proud of... but I'm saying that it didn't end because I did something. Lately I have noticed that shit between me and an ex have changed tremendously and it kind of makes me a little sad to be honest. Not because I want him back though... and I hate to say it but it's because I can never picture him with someone else. I know that sounds really bad... but yeah I don't want him but I'm not tryna hear bout him with other bitches.... sorry for the language but it's what's real. We had a conversation last week I think and he told me he had been fooling around and fucking chicks and shit and I was mad about that. I know that we have grown apart and what was can never be again but still it's mad hard to hear bout that kind of thing. I know in my heart that i still have feelings for him but at the same time I know that we are not good for each other... I have tried to maybe start things with other people but no one makes me feel how he made me feel there are no sparks and the attraction is just not there... I can't imagine what a relationship with someone else would be like. I know that I need to realize that I deserve much better than what I had in the past and I know that he was definitely not a great boyfriend to me ... but it's kind of like a drug. The fighting, the cussing, the hurtful words, the pain, the tears, the break-ups to make-ups and starting all over again was like a drug that I became so addicted to. Now everything that I come across that is functional and can possibly work I push it aside and call it boring... I guess maybe for now Im not ready... I guess maybe for now I need to be on my dolo. I know that I have matured and I'm not the same girl I was when I was 19 and 20 and felt like the love I had for him ran deeper than my soul and I have moved on and I know that I don't want to be with him... but it's crazy cuz now how can I muster the courage to possibly be with someone else??? I was hurt and yeah I kept it to myself to save face... I just hope now... I'm not scarred for life...